My name is Xan; my parents named me Alexandra, and I have gone by Xan, the root, since I was twelve. There's always been more to my name that I say aloud, and more to my identity than meets the eye. My heart is restless, curious, and a bit eclectic. I believe it is human nature to transform, to grow, to explore, to heal. If you are interested in nay of these, you’ve landed in the right place.
After ten years of teaching high school literature, I quit in 2017 with a goal of writing, traveling, and finding answers to life’s big questions. I called it my sabbatical. In truth I was answering a call to save my life. In years of studying psychology and spirituality, I had learned a slew of tools for health and happiness, but I wans’t using them. Why should I? For all the wisdom I’d dug my hands into, there was nothing I’d grasped that gave my heart ease. Before this, I was shelling out half my income on rent, living with roommates hurtful towards me. I liked my work, but there was a boredom I felt like constantly crinkling paper and throwing it in a wastebasket. I wanted to do more. In that year, I broke my tailbone twice, and sprained my ankle so badly I couldn’t walk or drive for months. I gained enough weight, two dress sizes, to make my clothes nothing but useless closet decorations. I had good friends, but they were moving on in life, and I felt static, isolated, secondary. I was shuttling through romantic relationships like a soldier on leave. I realized that without one – which is my choice – at this point - I’d probably never have children. I wore my fear around me like a twenty foot electric hula hoop. I didn’t trust anyone, most especially myself. I belonged nowhere, especially not where I was. My only way out was to be everywhere. It was the only thing I’d never done that I could do on my own. I put all my belongings, minus a few suitcases and my little dog Hoopla, in storage pods until further notice. This was the most reckless thing in the world, and the most brave. I began my blog to unify the adventures, thoughts and incantations into one place. There are stops and starts here, but that’s just right. I had to hit this level of despair to get to the road. Trite as it sounds, life is a journey, and you have to go into the dark to find the light. I could read about it for centuries, but it’s not the same as doing it. And now, I feel certain of these things: I belong exactly where I am, and I am enough as is.
In the past year, I have recreated myself. I still teach, but outside the box. I have had to lean into my own sense of trust and faith to find the person I want to be, and I can help you do the same thing. I teach methods for personal growth: meditation, yoga, writing, play.